Face To Face
by Becca the fiend
Summary: SPOILERS. After the gang arrives in Nihon, Fai reflects on Kurogane and his feelings for the other man, and the journey so far, and what is to come. KuroFai. Companion to "The Same"


AN: This is a companion piece to my other fic, _The Same_, except this time, it's in Fai's POV instead of Kurogane's. You do not need to read _The Same_ to understand this fic, but I suggest reading the companion to get the full effect. Also, be warned, there are spoilers in this fic, as opposed to it's companion. These spoilers are for volumes 16-22, so if you haven't read up to these volumes, now would be a good time to leave. Unless you don't care if you're spoiled in important plot events for the series. In which case, read on.

Disclaimer: Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles and all its related characters and worlds do not belong to me, they belong to CLAMP. I don't intend to steal the ingenious work by these artists, nor am I making a profit from this fic. I only look for ways to waste hours at a time. And this is how I do it.

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How long has it been? How much time has passed since we got here, to Nihon? It seems like it's been days. More likely hours. Maybe minutes. Perhaps even seconds. I haven't bothered to keep track of time passing. I know it would just serve to stress me out even more than I am now. If that's even possible.

I wonder whether I should be glad right now, or furious. On one hand, I'm not dead, and I didn't have to disappear with that world. But, on the other hand, you're missing an arm because of me, when I told you to go without me. I still can't figure out which emotion I feel most strongly. Maybe it'll be clearer once you've woken up, and I know you'll be alright for sure. I certainly hope it will be.

You know, this is why I tried pushing you away in the first place. I didn't want you, or the children, to get hurt because of me. I didn't want you guys to turn out like Fai. I already have enough deaths to my name. I didn't need to add yours.

Back then, I'm sure I knew deep down that it was futile. But there was still that chance you'd fall for it. And I took that chance. I wanted to do what I could to protect you, and the others, from my past. I knew I couldn't escape my past forever, but I thought if I could just keep everyone else away from it, I might be able to save someone, and not cause them pain, for once.

It isn't the first time I've done this. I always have been that way, making futile efforts to save something, or someone. I should've learned. It never works. Everyone just ends off much worse for it. First my own brother, and then my closest friends. I'm just too damn stupid for my own good.

I just didn't want you to get hurt. I didn't want to hurt anyone. A whole nation was put to death because I existed. I always have seemed to attract misery for those around me. Even when my twin is gone, I can't escape being cursed, just for being born.

Yet all those I care about keep sacrificing themselves for me. Fai gave his own life so I could escape that damned place, and you have given your own blood and your arm so that I could live. Those children, too, have given sacrifices for my sake. I will never understand it.

What compelled you, all those times, to save a person like me? Every one of you travelling with me, you could tell I was hiding my past. And each of you, in your own way, learned to see through all my lies. But... you all wanted to save me. And even after you learned my past, you saved my life. My worthless life. I just can't understand why.

I wonder if you'll ever tell me if I ask. Perhaps you will, perhaps you won't. But it's not likely I'll ask, so it really doesn't matter then, does it?

At the same time, I can't help but be eternally grateful to you. And all those others who've sacrificed for me. Every one of them, and especially you, you've made me realize how much I'm cared about. Someone like myself, actually being cared about. It's almost absurd, but true all the same.

You, and those children, you must really care about me. You all know what a terrible person I am. You and the boy have seen my past, and the girl saw I was cursed, and therefore lying. Despite that, I'm still here, and everyone still seems to like me. Everyone keeps sacrificing for me.

I guess that's why you keep saving me. You, and those children, you accept me. You accept me for everything that I am. A liar, a murderer, a secretive bastard, and cursed. You still stand next to me willingly after knowing all that about me. You and the kids, you still care enough to sacrifice for my sake. I don't think I'll ever be able to convey how grateful I am for that.

I think that, out of everyone who has sacrificed to save me, you've been the one who did the most. Not in terms of sacrificing, because a life is a heavy sacrifice. But you're the only one who has managed to save me from the biggest danger-myself.

I don't think you'd be surprised to hear that. Because you knew what you were doing. You did it on purpose. Because you could see how my past was affecting me, even though you didn't know what it was. You saw through me as soon as you saw me, but you still bothered to care about me.

You showed me that my past doesn't have to affect me so much now. You told me multiple times that my past didn't matter to you. But I never believed you. I always thought that, once people knew about my past, they'd desert me. I thought you would desert me.

That's why I was so cold to you after you offered to become my "game" to save me, back in 'Tokyo'. I tried to keep myself angry at you. I tried to distance you. Because I knew that my past was catching up to me. And if you got hurt… I don't know what I would've done. And if you abandoned me after finding out what I once was, I don't think I would've been able to survive long, even if I'd never lost my eye, and never had that curse on me, to have the world close by my own magic. I would've died if you left me on my own because you hated me.

Why? Well, quite simply, I'm pretty sure I love you. I tried to keep people away from me, so I really can't be entirely sure that 'love' correctly identifies what I feel for you. From what I know, this is love, but I'm not the best judge of these things. I am certain that I do feel different for you than I do for those children. Those children, to me, are almost like my own children, or younger siblings. Or something along the lines of students I must mentor. But definitely different than how I think of you.

Don't get me wrong, I feel very strongly for those children, and certainly I have a deep bond with them, just as I do with you. But those two children are clearly destined for one another, and they wouldn't need for company should you or I suddenly die one day. Certainly, they'd be very sad. But those two could console each other much better than you or I could console them.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is you and I need each other, in a way. The same way the children support each other, we support each other. If one of us falls, the other is sure to fall.

That's how we got here, isn't it? You realized this much earlier than I did. And that's why you didn't budge when I tried so hard to keep you at a distance. You knew that we needed each other. You knew that I'd need you. And you saw right through me, knowing that I'd realize this at some point. So you did something many others wouldn't. You stayed.

I think you first realized in Tokyo. I can only imagine what it must've been like, to see Syaoran, one we'd both come to care for, holding my unconscious body. I can't fathom how it must have felt so see the blood streaming from my empty eye socket, and see that boy with my eye color in his right eye. I can only guess that you must've been monumentally upset.

I'm sorry I had to make it worse when I was lying in our room, on the verge of death. I was so ready to give away my life then, to save you and those kids. But you must've realized then what your feelings were. Which is why you agreed to become my "game," without knowing what it entailed. You must've thought that anything would be better than my dying.

I guess you thought the same thing in Celes, when you gave up your arm, and your sword. I don't think it occurred to you at the time that you would come as close as I had to death. Or maybe the thought did cross your mind, and you decided you didn't care. Maybe you thought it'd teach me a good lesson. Or maybe you just thought, once again, you'd rather have anything happen, as long as I survived the ordeal.

I can't say I blame you. I thought the same thing when I was telling you to leave. I wasn't thinking too clearly at that point, and the realization of what you mean to me wouldn't really hit me until later, but I remember the one thought I could actually focus on was getting you out of there alive. I must've reasoned to myself that, as long as you lived, I would be fine with anything happening to me.

I guess my brother thought just like you. He told that man he would die to save me, and he got his wish. I lived, and he died. You helped me let him rest in peace. Perhaps your living was Fai's doing, in some way. It sounds absurd, but I can't help but believe that, just a little bit. It wouldn't entirely surprise me if it turned out to be true, I guess.

But whatever the reason, I am so damn happy you survived. I know I'm not one to use swear words. But I can't think of any other way to express the extent of this emotion I feel right now. It's true I'm still feeling very antsy, waiting for you to wake up. And this waiting is really killing me. But the medics confirmed what Tomoyo said all along, that you'd live. And I have to say, I almost collapsed from relief.

I'm not just happy for my own sake, though. I could see the relief on this Syaoran's face when we were told you'd survive. You mean quite a bit to him, you know. He sees you as an older brother figure, I think. Whatever happened between you two when we were in Infinity must have formed that bond between you two that had been between you and his clone.

I think that Syaoran, the real one, always thought of you like a mentor, when he arrived. But it was probably more an unconscious feeling, due to his experiences through his clone. Infinity must've brought this to the surface.

I think that Syaoran will need us soon. Call it intuition, but something tells me we're going to have to support him as he heads towards his final goal, whatever it may be. I think only one of us wouldn't be able to do the job, but the two of us together can properly support him.

This is also why I'm glad you'll live. For both me, and Syaoran. We need you around. We couldn't get very far without you here.

I don't think you'll ever hear any of this from me. Let's hope that, someday, I'll actually be able to screw up the courage to say all of this to you, face-to-face. There's always the chance.

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AN: I know, this is the second one this chapter. But I like to talk about the fic AFTER the fic is written, but sometimes I feel a little blurb is necessarry at the beginning of the fic. Which is why you get this second little blurb down here. So, basically, this is an insight into how I believe Fai thinks. I figured he had some time to think about these things when Kurogane was pased out in Nihon, because, frankly, people who've lost the amount of blood Kurogane must've lost after slicing off his own arm don't just hop up after an hour, totally better. It takes them a while to reproduce the blood, and even in modern times, a lot of people stay passed out for days after losing enough blood to pass out. So, it's only natural that Fai had a good few hours to sit and think about things while they were waiting for Kurogane to wake up, if he was even going to wake up, because there honestly must've been the chance he was going to die. He hacked off his own arm, after all.

That being said, I have an explaination for one of the parts in this fic where people might get confused. When Fai is talking about how he's not sure whether or not he loves Kurogane here, I based my thoughts off Fai's childhood. His childhood, honestly, sucked. He and his brother were pretty deprived of love from everyone else, and it was clear that affected him, even in Celes/Seresu. So, I don't think Fai ever had much experience with any type of love outside of the love he and his brother shared as family, because they seemed pretty close. Therefore, I think Fai would be very confused about how he felt about Kurogane, because he hadn't really experienced these feelings before, and therefore didn't recognize or understand them at all. Hence, he isn't sure about his words.

This fic isn't as good as it's counterpart, I don't think, but I really wanted to do it. I thought it'd be fun to show Fai's side of the story. this was also vaguely inspired by the song "Things Left Unsaid" by Disciple. If you're curious, look up the lyrics somewhere, if you wish. Or, if you're feeling really adventerous, look up the song itself on youtube. But I think the lyrics should be enough to show you why I thought the song fit.

I hope you all enjoy this. :)


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